An interview with Juniper

Good morning! Thanks for tuning into the breakfast show. I’m Dave Floyd.

Today we’re welcoming onto the show Juniper Fox, a companion soft animal working in the field of human support.

Thank you, it’s good to be here.

Now Juniper, you are not the famously titled @Juniperfoxx of snaggletooth and internet fame residing at the Juniper Wildlife Rescue, correct?

No, although I am named after that creature. As I understand it, Juniper is a bit of a drama queen with a loud scream and a habit of hiding food inside the sofa, so I don’t think that would be ideal for my human!

No indeed! No one wants to find an entire salmon in their armchair, do they? So where did your journey start?

I was found in a gift shop in Cambridge and spent the first few months working as a doorstop. But, as I’m sure you know, doors just aren’t that hard to stop. They don’t need biting, or dominating at all. I mostly just slept in front of them.

Sounds easy.

Too easy for me. I was quickly promoted to general mood uplift, and I gained some extra qualifications in comfort provision. As we all know, there is nothing as reassuring as hugging a fox when things are looking bleak.

Do we all know…?

We do Dave, we do. Foxes are the absolute pinnacles of reassurance. We represent a multifaceted approach to mood elevation. We lead by example, when foxes are sad we shout loudly about it and stamp our feet until we feel better. We constantly prioritise our needs with zero shame. Our snouts are brisk and pointed, our orange fur is cheering and we lack the distinctive sulphur musk of outdoor foxes. Most importantly, we offer both reassuring hugs and the predatory hunting and devouring of negative self-talk. We eat literally anything. 

When you say anything…

That can be a problem with fox helpers. Many consume scissors, jigsaw pieces, teaspoons, the last pages of books, biscuits. In that regard I am highly domesticated. I only eat self-shaming thoughts, nightmares, spiders and houseplant roots.

Houseplants?

My human has no idea why she can’t keep a plant alive. I hope she’s not tuning in for this. I know, I know, it’s terrible but they are delicious.

So what does the average day look like for you Juniper?

Well Dave, I clock in around 4am from the end of the bed. That’s where I spend most of my time, and it gives me a good position to pounce on any early morning nightmares.

Is that a big part of your job?

Oh yes. My human reads horror fiction so there’s a lot of work to do. The word has gotten out about me so larger nightmares mostly steer clear. These days I deal with small, opportunistic nightmares. I like the shadow monsters best. They’re fun to play with and they taste like fish fingers.

Gosh, hear that everyone? Fish fingers.

After she wakes up, I don my sunglasses…

You wear sunglasses?

Don’t you wear sunglasses in summer? 

Yes?

They’re technically her sunglasses but I look better in them so…

Does she…

We both agree on this Dave. Pink sunglasses really pop with my fur. 

I don my sunglasses and start radiating slow-down energy. My human gets really fast in the morning and needs slowing down.

How does slow-down energy work?

[pause. Juniper cocks head]

Oh I see. That’s effective. Please go on.

The rest of the day is a case of monitoring, yowling to remind her to eat, rest, helping her to get out of a stall, which is to say, a time when she’s not sure what to do.

How does one help a person get out of a stall?

Hugging a fox is a very contemplative activity. We’re learning Spanish and I try to remind her to stay on task with that.

You’re learning Spanish?

Yo hablo español. We Support Foxes speak all languages. Well…some words anyway. I can say “May I please raid your bin” in 12 languages.

Evening is my time off, as my human is generally relaxing. 

What do you do with your time off?

I spend a fair bit of time in my human’s memories. Trotting around in the woods, or on the beach. Always being sure to make myself scarce if she’s visiting the same place. It can be alarming for a fox to appear in your memories. I sometimes go further afield into dimensions that are reserved for soft support creatures. There’s this great cafe…

Wait, there’s a cafe in…?

Kind of a cafe. If a cafe was operating on an ultrasine curve with time as a variable.

It makes sense in six dimensions.

Yeah?

Soft support creatures like to shoot the shit sometimes, catch up. It’s a meeting place. Last time I met these two great bears…Anyway, I don’t go for long, I like to keep half an eye on my human. 

You care about her.

Companion work isn’t a job, it’s a life. She’s family.

Finally, my role is managerial. I keep the rest of the staff in line.

Can you tell me more about the staff?

There is a collection of foxes, including a neck warmer that is entirely asleep in this dimension but still quite a handful. A raven. A small plastic bear found on the street and adopted. 

Adopted?

She put up signs, “have you lost this bear.” Very sweet. He’s on the team now. 

What does management involve?

Preventing unnecessary snacking, chewing carpets etc. They all have minor roles in patrolling the nightmare realm so checking time sheets, incident reports etc. Last week, three fox agents trapped a tentacled nightmare in an elevator used for transporting dream scenery. No forward planning. Seriously, no one tells you how much paperwork there is in companion work.

Does anyone manage you?

My boss is an adventure elephant but there’s very little oversight, our roles don’t overlap. Rundle deals with level 5 crises and all travel.

You don’t holiday?

I don’t care for travel. My background is in doors. Tents are just…wrong.

I feel like this interview has created more questions than it’s answered…we have time for just one more before we let you go. Juniper, what’s the best part of your job?

The best part of the job is the moments when I make a difference. Sitting with my human on a bad day, helping to make a soft space, getting through a rough patch and seeing her come out the other side, ready to pounce on life again.

Thank…

And plant roots.

Thank you Juniper, it’s been great to have you with us. Please send our regards to your human, and everyone on the team.

Thank you for having me. And for the rubber tree.

What?

Nothing, thanks, thanks, goodbye!

And now, in honour of Juniper, sit back and enjoy some sweet sounds from the Fleetfoxes.